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(Cough, Cough.)



You can eat dinner at 4:00



Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.



Kidnappers are not very interested in you.



It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.



If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.



People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.



Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.



Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.



Your eyes won't get much worse.



You don't feel you're cheating when you get 2 dates the same year.





If you do get a date you feel safe letting your daughter entertain him.



Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.



Things you buy now won't wear out.



No one expects you to run into a burning building.



Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.



In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.



BUT, WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

You can live without sex but not without glasses.



Your back goes out more than you do.



Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.



You sing along with the elevator music.



You would rather go to work than stay home sick.



You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.



You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.



You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.



You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.



People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"



You have a dream about prunes.



You send money to PBS.



You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.



Your ears are hairier than your head.



You get into a heated argument about pension plans.



You got cable for the weather channel. ("Old Folks MTV")



You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.





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